Star Wars : Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Blasters

Curtain to Fall?!

Cap'n's Log 00005

After the necessary R&RonRoon and a number of street fights we went to see our big-headed idiot contact to see what they had for us.

At last! A lead on the whereabouts of that damnable Curt Lington! Me crew wasted no time and pushed a path through the hordes of my clammering, delightful fans to The Latest Trick and plotted a course to THAT PLANET I DEFINITELY REMEMBER THE NAME OF.

The hyperspace journey was one of sombre excitement. As I was getting a read on our new gunslinging pilot human it was clear to me the rest of me crew was almost as bloodthirsty as I the real Captain Trexx. We were unsure of what to expect but ready for a similar encounter with one of those magic types that defended the mask, the object that started us down this path of bloody vengeance.

When we finally landed, we found a campsite, still ablaze from a shoot-out between that poxy Curt’s mercs and some strange new sorts dressed like members of a hot new cult. Spotting our target, the entrance to some forgotten temple I hatched a battleplan of such ingenuity and tactical acumen it would make the greatest generals from history look like imbeciles.

We walked up to the entrance shouting ‘Rancor’ then shot and slashed a way past the guards.

After a scuffle with some suicidal grenade toting fanatics me crew had our R2 unit seal the door and remain by it in plain view and completely defenceless which in hindsight wasn’t their best idea but if I didn’t let them make decisions it would be poor for morale. The life of a Captain is a tricky one.

The navigator jumped down a dark hole and then went all pale like he’d seen something terrible or skipped breakfast. We all pushed on through the caves, found some shineys, debated the ethics of killing the people who are here shooting at us with our new gunslinger and then I killed a giant 20ft venomous monster and her screeching horde of deadly children with my bare hands. Ordinary stuff so far.

Having explored the caverns and found some useful stuff, we happened across a large room that was less caverny and like the first room we entered this place through. This was when I saw him, that filthy Lington stood across a long bridge which we’d have to cross to reach him, were it not for his army of five hundred men and the defensible bridge above a seemingly infinite drop he’d have been dead that second.

I gave the order to charge and we blasted our way across the bridge. His men were useless before the might of Captain Trexx and many threw down their weapons at the sight of me. Having survived his best efforts to kill me I engaged him in honourable combat. Realising he was no match for me he retreated into a room full of masked men throwing themselves into a giant ball of light to summon an ancient jedi ghost of unimaginable power. I thought this could be a problem.

Lington was dying from the wounds I had inflicted upon his stupid body, he hid inside the lightball himself and despite me crews best effort to disrupt this ritual a giant jedi ghost was summoned and turns its evil powers on the heroic, courageous, good-looking, influencial and mighty Captain Trexx.

I weathered the magical attack and while I was of course unharmed I soon recognised this enemy had the potential to cause real harm to me crew. While the crew nervously looked to me for a plan and to find courage, I rushed the unnatural foe, cunningly attacking the weakest point: the testicles.

My cunning attack was too much for the ghost and it begged for mercy. I gave it no such thing, evil jedi ghosts will receive no quarter when they face Captain Trexx in battle.

Having defeated the ghost, used explosives on the lightball and thoroughly ruining Curt Lington’s plans I approached his dying form and fulfilled my promise, tearing his heart out with my hand! I then emptied my bladder into the tomb of this ghost thing, took the remaining masks and made to leave.

Alas our droid was missing, taken by our hooded foe. We found a recording showing the theft of our droid which gave us the name of our new enemy: The Genesis Archive.

Before we could give this slight the attention it deserved we had a more pressing concern, a distress message from Roon informed us we were under attack. Captain Trexx was needed back home.

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