Star Wars : Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Blasters

I left my Heart in the Cold Vacuum of Space

Everything is fine. We successfully took over the imperial ship ‘Steelheart’ rescued some prisoners and retrieved an abudance of cargo including the majority of the shipment for Wakka.

Zando Zando proved himself a loyal, useful member of the crew and because if his loyalty and skill with my vibrospear I have decided to initiate him into the crew. He will be Zando Zando, janitor of the Latest Trick as soon as he supplies his own mop and bucket.

Alas the mutiny I feared did occur; the malcontented Blackout didn’t accept me as Captain and corrupted the mind of poor Endris. Betty was all too happy to come with me to complete the mission but I bade her stay with the others. Maybe one day she may convince them to repent for their treacherous ways and realise what a fair and just Captain I was to them. At any rate I was concerned I may attempt something foolish soon and wouldn’t want her hurt because of it. She isn’t invincible like me.

Artoo came to me to tell me I have an abnormally large quantity if nasolacrimal fluid in my system and I’ve been very emotional recently. I called him a stupid metal bastard and told him to piss off.

Soon I’ll be back on Tatooine, what happens next will be an adventure, more amazing than anything I’ve experienced so far. If you are reading this now there’s a chance it hasn’t happened yet; if you wish to be a part of it, contact Captain Drak. The Latest Trick is looking for new crew.

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R & R
A Brief Respite

Day One

The crew and I had been racing around the galaxy non-stop for far too long, our only rest had been the tedious hyperspace journeys spent recovering from our last scrape and preparing for the next; none complained but being an attentive captain I decided to give everyone about a month’s R&R. I set us down for a sojourn on Tatooine, outer rim’s a safer place now the Empire knows Captain Drak is after them.

Day Four

Old Blackout keeps grumbling; as shipwright I had him fix up the Trick and oversee the new hardware installations I paid for. He says he’s not been paid enough to be doing that work and the work on some new hardware for myself and Betty. He seems to think his work is worth more credits than the work Endris does getting us through the cruel vacuum of space or Betty does keeping us all alive.

Day Six

I acquired some new equipment for Betty since for the longest time she’s been wanding around in a big black sheet we found in an old ruin. Doesn’t matter what she’s paid she won’t waste it on shoes, or anything for that matter.

Day Seven

Blackout and Endris have left to do some cheeky jobs on the side, I can’t complain if they want to keep their skills sharp and earn some more credits but I can’t help but worry they’re not getting properly rested. Betty and I are spending our time rollicking, my favourite thing to do.

Day Eleven or maybe Thirteen

Losin’ track of days with all this rollicking, been tellin’ tales of me exploits at all the cantinas and all the locals be buying me drinks to hear more. I love a good rollick.

Day Twenty-nine

After a particularly long rollick I took a liking to me drinking companions and offered them a chance at glory. The enthusiastic and brave Zando Zando came forward and so too did stoic Neb the legless, so called because he had no legs. It has been a fine old time of rollicking

Day Thirty

Our R & R rollick has rather ran its course and it is once more time to haul away and race off into the stars.

We regrouped in the shadow of our mighty new Latest Trick, where we parlayed with the old salt Wakka the sea slug. He had the location of a worthy target to test our upgrades on and enlisted me and my crew to retrieve a shipment of “medical supplies” We agreed and were starbound in no time. Time for Captain Drak to take another heart.

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The Rise of Captain Drak

Now you may well ask: ‘surely Captain Trexx is invincible, and proper sexy too. How can he be killed?’ You’d be right to ask and the answer is sure to blow your mind.

I am Captain Drak Hellfang and I killed Captain Trexx, yes the Captain Trexx not some other guy just calling himself Trexx but I did that too he was also a captain but I mean Captain Trexx of the Latest Trick who didn’t save the children and was by all accounts a bit of a a wrongun even though the other one was of the Latest Trick and did save the children both dead by me Captain Drak the real hero of this story. Okay?

So now I’ve got that twist properly revealed and explained let’s move the story along to me waking up in a tube.

I woke up in a tube, then went immediately to a cantina to get my wits collected and find passage off the moon. Fortune would have it an old acquaintance o’ mine Dav “Davey” Davson a smuggler from my old days on Tatooine was in that very cantina. I exchanged pleasantries with some locals, paid for some of old Davey’s drinks and learned of a clever way to smuggle myself and me lads aboard the Trick.

After infiltrating our own ship and evading the imperial authorities we set hypersail for the frozen word of… Sullust I reckon. We would soon have our droid friend back a’board.

We loaded up on supplies from a little space station on the way then landed and made for the local genesis archivist hotspot. Stopping only to set up a tent and change into more suitable battlegear we came to the entrance to the facility. Sharp wits and sharper senses detected an ambush group on a hill, I cleverly had Endris flank ’em while Blackout made his shots count and stopped the ambush, saving them from the wrath of me, Captain Drak.

We stormed the facility, killed hundreds of archivists and their pet rancor, raided their servers for intel and retrieved our mechanical crewmate.

We left shortly afterwards aboard the Latest Trick. I may get her a few upgrades now, she earned something for all this.

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The Fall of Captain Trexx

We made good time and docked on Smuggler’s Moon. I took our earnings from the liberation to a nearby casino where, like any responsible space captain in my position would have done, I set about doubling it through gambling.

My occasionally useful but mostly mutinous, short-sighted, ungrateful, ugly pilot demanded their cut then and there; I’m in the habit of offering an equal share to my crew, an amount hugely exceeding even the most generous captains offer. It is clear this has made my crew greedy, a problem I will have to monitor closely.

The shipwright and self-appointed quartermaster Twelves helped himself to Betty’s share too, denying her the doubling of her pay that my endeavour gave me. Nevertheless I walked away from the gambling table a rich Captain.

This was when I moved on to less important business, elsewhere the deviant duo Twelves and Endris were wandering around aimlessly and presumably throwing my hard earned credits around trying to get poor as quickly as possible before crawling back for more from their rich, benevolent, long-suffering Captain.

Anyway while I spent the last paragraph digressing a high stakes sabaac game began. The stakes: the custody of the informant who would lead us to Artoo and the Genesis Archive. The players included a bounty hunter with the murder eyes and some puny rich guy.

Good fortune had abandoned me, and the game was not going well. While formulating a plan to deal with this situation, the murder eyed bounty hunter spiced things up with a thermal detonator shaped surprise. I don’t really know what happened next as I was grabbing all the credits off the table. I recall, almost in slow motion a hand holding a thermal detonator, me slowly moving the pleading rich guy to the falling detonator and one of my crew mates (maybe Neb?) flying through the air and out the window.

Anyway I sorted all that out and we took a taxi driven by a nice droid C4-BE who has a hydrospanner for a son or something; the informant, whose name is a letter was in our custody.

After dealing with the benetted bounty hunter with the murder eyes by spraying him with automatic blaster fire and releasing him safely back into the wild………… we took Mr A to a safe place to hack into stuff with his computers and his curious, befuddled nature. Armed with a pointy new weapon I stood vigil for hours as he pressed buttons and went “woah”. Just as we were getting somewhere, imperials arrived and a few hundred stormtroopers stormed in, in their stormy way.

These stormtroopers stormed straight into an ambush, we killed many before they even realised they were under attack. We built up a mountain of them at the entrance so none could enter then went upstairs to check on Mr A.

The job was done, we left for the roof where our taxi was due. Here is where a 20 ft tall metal giant armed with death lasers leapt up onto the roof and would have vaporised us all had I not engaged it in single combat, giving my crew a chance to escape. Luckily for the giant my crew and I were in a hurry so I spared its life and jumped off the roof onto the taxi when we made our escape. Apparently ungrateful for sparing its/his/her life the thing took a shot at our engines, the ball of doom was right on top of us, I took a last look at my crew and saw the fear in their eyes. I felt pity for them but also knew I was the only one to save them. I reached out and grabbed the ball in my hand, I felt it fizzling out in my death grasp and threw it aside. I felt myself falling back. I saw the stars above. I realised I had done what nobody else could have, I had killed Captain Trexx.

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Coup! There it is!
Cap'n's Log 00007

On arrival, we head to Rodia customs where we are permitted a meeting with Lord Protector Grabbit, who happened to be Kreev‘s uncle so we may explain our situation and our refugees, (including the children I saved) could be given refuge. The Lord Protector had other ideas though, the refugees were to be allowed in on the condition my crew and I murder the leader of a resistance movement who staunchly oppose the planet’s imperial rule.

Shocked that a person would turn away his own brother and nephew if a murder wasn’t carried out, but given no choice but to accept, we agreed to his condition so that the children would have a place to sleep.

We set out to investigate the situation, planning to meet with our target and assess the situation from there, at first our search was met with open hostility and I had to crack a few heads before we could get some answers. We eventually tracked the leader to his base of operations which we infiltrated in order to set up a meeting. I interrupted his deal with a notorious crime syndicate, and thanks to my crew’s tactical positioning I was able to lead negotiations on a new deal without anyone shooting me. We agreed that the Lord Protector must be replaced and we made plans together, Kreev’s father would be his replacement, word of his deal with us would be spread and with popular support we would storm the palace and depose the evil Grabbit, pawn of the Empire.

Our plan worked, aside from our shipwright being skewered upon a vibrospear (nothing our surgeon couldn’t fix) and a new, more sympathetic Lord Protector was instated, I set the new regieme up with an arms dealer I’d crossed paths with and after saying our goodbyes we went on with out misson.

I write this as we enter the hyperspace lane headed to Nar Shaddaa following a lead that should let us move on the Genesis Archive. An unknown vessel opened fire on us as we left Rodian atmosphere but they were no match for us. The loss of our old helmsman, who had been acting strangely before finally just leaving us for unknown reasons has not dampened the prowess of the Latest Trick!

I’ll probably never learn who ‘twas who thought to challenge the mighty Captain Trexx in open space. For now we sail onward to Smuggler’s Moon, all this revolution has me eager to spill Genesis Archive blood.

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Captain Trexx Saves the Children
Cap'n's Log 00006 (In which Captain Trexx saves the children)

With no time to waste we plot a course for Roon making only one quick stop to bury our treasure on a planet that rhymes with halitosis.

What kind of coward would attack our home, endangering the lives of the children living there? This Genesis Archive would feel the full wrath of Captain Trexx.

Were it not for the two week hyperspace journey we would have held the planet. By the time we arrived, the fighting was over and an enemy vessel was leaving atmosphere. The Latest Trick proved more than a match for this vessel and we landed soon after scuttling it.

The place was hard to look at, harder still was seeing the empty port office where Jeb should have been sitting. The crew went straight to our base of operations to assess the nature of the attack, I left them to it and went to save the children.

I found the children hiding in their favourite hide and seek spot where I rescued them from a marauding horde of evil looters trying to kill them. One child Kreev my number one fan was missing, I found a trustworthy survivor in their house and left the children with them before regrouping with the crew, looking out for the children the whole time.

As a team we finished our sweep of the area, gathering survivors up by Chok’n’Dix’s scrap shop, here is where I found Kreev who had been separated from the others. Cornered by two archivists, the only way he could survive was to use the skills he had absorbed through proximity to his hero Captain Trexx and kill the two of them, a tragic but unquestionably brave thing for a child to have to do.

The scrap yard is also where we found Jeb, or rather the body of Jeb who died defending the children of Roon by manning the anti-ship weapon we have since bolted onto the Latest Trick; his sacrifice will be remembered.

Having saved the children in the town and gathered the remaining survivors we allowed them access to the trick where we waited for any survivors in the surrounding jungle. Having waited an appropriate amont of time we took the refugees to Rodia so that they may find a more peaceful home.

As we touch down in Equatreek, I can only hope the governor here is willing to accept refugees and won’t try and exploit our situation by having us do his dirty work.

While I regret the destruction of our base I hope someday to rebuild it and while the deaths of those who died defending it was a tragic waste, at least Captain Trexx saved the children.

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Curtain to Fall?!
Cap'n's Log 00005

After the necessary R&RonRoon and a number of street fights we went to see our big-headed idiot contact to see what they had for us.

At last! A lead on the whereabouts of that damnable Curt Lington! Me crew wasted no time and pushed a path through the hordes of my clammering, delightful fans to The Latest Trick and plotted a course to THAT PLANET I DEFINITELY REMEMBER THE NAME OF.

The hyperspace journey was one of sombre excitement. As I was getting a read on our new gunslinging pilot human it was clear to me the rest of me crew was almost as bloodthirsty as I the real Captain Trexx. We were unsure of what to expect but ready for a similar encounter with one of those magic types that defended the mask, the object that started us down this path of bloody vengeance.

When we finally landed, we found a campsite, still ablaze from a shoot-out between that poxy Curt’s mercs and some strange new sorts dressed like members of a hot new cult. Spotting our target, the entrance to some forgotten temple I hatched a battleplan of such ingenuity and tactical acumen it would make the greatest generals from history look like imbeciles.

We walked up to the entrance shouting ‘Rancor’ then shot and slashed a way past the guards.

After a scuffle with some suicidal grenade toting fanatics me crew had our R2 unit seal the door and remain by it in plain view and completely defenceless which in hindsight wasn’t their best idea but if I didn’t let them make decisions it would be poor for morale. The life of a Captain is a tricky one.

The navigator jumped down a dark hole and then went all pale like he’d seen something terrible or skipped breakfast. We all pushed on through the caves, found some shineys, debated the ethics of killing the people who are here shooting at us with our new gunslinger and then I killed a giant 20ft venomous monster and her screeching horde of deadly children with my bare hands. Ordinary stuff so far.

Having explored the caverns and found some useful stuff, we happened across a large room that was less caverny and like the first room we entered this place through. This was when I saw him, that filthy Lington stood across a long bridge which we’d have to cross to reach him, were it not for his army of five hundred men and the defensible bridge above a seemingly infinite drop he’d have been dead that second.

I gave the order to charge and we blasted our way across the bridge. His men were useless before the might of Captain Trexx and many threw down their weapons at the sight of me. Having survived his best efforts to kill me I engaged him in honourable combat. Realising he was no match for me he retreated into a room full of masked men throwing themselves into a giant ball of light to summon an ancient jedi ghost of unimaginable power. I thought this could be a problem.

Lington was dying from the wounds I had inflicted upon his stupid body, he hid inside the lightball himself and despite me crews best effort to disrupt this ritual a giant jedi ghost was summoned and turns its evil powers on the heroic, courageous, good-looking, influencial and mighty Captain Trexx.

I weathered the magical attack and while I was of course unharmed I soon recognised this enemy had the potential to cause real harm to me crew. While the crew nervously looked to me for a plan and to find courage, I rushed the unnatural foe, cunningly attacking the weakest point: the testicles.

My cunning attack was too much for the ghost and it begged for mercy. I gave it no such thing, evil jedi ghosts will receive no quarter when they face Captain Trexx in battle.

Having defeated the ghost, used explosives on the lightball and thoroughly ruining Curt Lington’s plans I approached his dying form and fulfilled my promise, tearing his heart out with my hand! I then emptied my bladder into the tomb of this ghost thing, took the remaining masks and made to leave.

Alas our droid was missing, taken by our hooded foe. We found a recording showing the theft of our droid which gave us the name of our new enemy: The Genesis Archive.

Before we could give this slight the attention it deserved we had a more pressing concern, a distress message from Roon informed us we were under attack. Captain Trexx was needed back home.

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Episode V - When Life Gives You Blocks
Make a Blockade

Cap’n’s Log #00004 (continued to the point of absurdity)

An imperial blockade met us up in space. After a cunning show of diplomacy and misdirection from myself they scrambled tie fighter squadrons to engage us and opened fire with their turbolasers. We made some fancy manoeuvres and some spot-on gunnery thanks to my legendary leadership and co-piloting skills but the tie fighters were gaining on us. Not to be deterred I sent them a clever message, daring them to bring it on just as a turbolaser made contact and took out our weaponry.

Undefended but unbeaten we pressed on, a lone tie fighter approached, flown by our undercover helmsman Zhiran Xanthur. He provided covering fire allowing us all to make our escape. This bought me precious time to finally write up me adventures in me log as I plot a course for the cantina, a double sarlacc awaits…

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Episode IV - More Machines Than Men
Doctors and Corpses

Cap’n’s Log #00004 (continued further)

It was apparent that the only way we had to develop a cure was to break into a fancy medical facility and ‘borrow’ the use of their lab equipment. Our plan required an extra gun, as our helmsman had gone walkabouts on his own and wouldn’t be joining us for the job. We found a man for the job, and went to get his attention. We found him in a cantina, talked him into joining and after I gave him a quick job interview to assess his suitability for the job in which he shot me in the bollocks we were good to go.

Flying alongside the building, we shot a line into the side of the building, and as planned I heroically flung myself through the storage room window. We secured the immediate area and gathered suitable disguises: Blackout and Endris found security uniforms, Betty and Dr. Hanay found doctor suitable doctor attire, and in a feat of skulduggery unmatched by even the most professional infiltrators, I managed to disguise myself as an invalid. The disguises held and we began work on the cure, unfortunately things became complicated when my ship was discovered floating outside their QA office window and we were investigated by a group of security guards. After a quick and decisive battle in which I nobly took three hostages, we escaped through a window, intending to immediately head out into space and return to our employer.

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Episode III - Falleen From Grace

Cap’n’s Log #00004 (continued)

We plotted a course for Falleen, our primary concern was the recovery of the shipment: no shipment, no payment. We left Dr. Hanay and that other bloke somewhere and went on the hunt for information. A few bar fights and a shootout with imperial stormtroopers later we had the location of the shipment and information of an impending assault from an anti-imperial “terrorist” group. We planned our raid on the warehouse to coincide with the assault.

The warehouse raid hit complications when our old blue friend, Curt Lington’s associate made his arrival and a shootout broke out in which our surgeon used a loading crane as a weapon, there were explosions, lasers and a man on fire. Ye should have been there it was one of the all time great warehouse shootouts. So after Blackout satisfied his lust for blood and sated his murder-boner, we walkout out all normal like and went to see how the rak’ghoul cure was going.

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