Star Wars : Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Blasters

Origins - Escape from Mos Shuuta
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

Cap’n’s Log #00001

I, Captain Trexx of the Latest Trick have decided that my daring adventures should be chronicled which is why I have begun writing a Captain’s Log; once I have retired from adventuring I shall publish this logbook so all will know the tale of Captain Trexx. This shall be my first entry.

Using my cunning and guile I have assembled a fine crew for me ship. A helmsman by the name of Zhiran, a surgeon by the name of Betty and a bloke whose name is numbers who shoots people and can fix things good so I’ll call ’im me shipwright. Having met and decided to strike out for fame and fortune we stopped off in a cantina for a drink. Angry pig-men chased us inside so Twelves hopped the bar and cleaned a glass, Betty got real friendly with a dancing girl and Zhiran put his back to the wall and stripped off ’is pantaloons. Not wanting to see what came next I ended the bar-brawl before is began with skillful application of me thumb-claws to pig-eyes. We went by a junk-shop on the way to me ship where we picked up a thingy-ma-bob to make my ship work again and an R2 astromech droid for company.

After taking care of business at the junk-shop, I had my ship released from the docking clamp, and our crew boarded the ship with no troubles and definitely no shooting, wrestling, face smashing or identity theft. Then so it was our adventure began, I feel this crew will go far and I anticipate great things. Moreover I feel like a new man, a new Captain Trexx.

-Definitely Captain Trexx

Episode I - Looters of a Lost Cause
Raiders of the lost dark

Cap’n’s Log #0002
Me fearless crew and I were hired to do a spot of treasure hunting, and so it was we landed in a swamp on Koruss. Our objective was a funny mask we thought to find in the area. As we built a raft to cross a small river without getting damp, a band of natives accosted us; our surgeon managed to convince them she were an avatar of their deity to I cleverly used this distraction to cleave them apart with me trusty axe.

Following an altercation with a swamp kraken and having taken one of the natives captive we set a course for TREASURE and before long arrived at a funny rock mountain. Inside we met a strange old bloke who made Twelves do something on his own in a room before our captive mate talked us into the old bloke’s inner sanctum. Me helmsman said something that didn’t sit well with the old bloke and he set his metal men on us. I lept on him and turned his face to pulp, but not before he had used his magic to batter me about with the scenery. We beat a hasty retreat, grabbing the treasure on the way as the room fell apart.

Upon our exit, a smug-lookin’ posh sort with at least a thousand armed men and a big blue first mate waylaid us. We handed over the mask in exchange for some credits, and he ran off, setting his men on us. By skillfully mutilating his first mate in front of his boys, we convinced the thousand-strong army to back down and left the planet at once.

One day I will track this Mr Lington down and tear his heart from his chest!

-Captain Trexx

Short I - Tiiban Stakes
of Drak'ra and the Chunder Dragon

Cap’n’s Log #00003

With a fine space-wind at our back we made good time to the star’arbour on Roon. Bad fortune and worse pilotin’ caused our hypersails some damage so after a quick rendezvous with portmaster Jeb we plotted a course to Cho’k ‘n’ Dix junkyard. After some skillful negotiation, our pilot was struck dumb so we sent him back with the keys to the ship so that we may be made spaceworthy once more.

Having seen to my treasured Latest Trick, we ambled toward’ So-Ra-Heed, the saucy double-brained minx who sent us in search of that pointless mask. Here we learned that troublesome Mr L’ington has been seeking a number of artifacts, including a collection of masks such as the one he robbed from us; Sora’heed revealed her organisation contained a mole or two and departed to do some housekeeping after giving us a job to go check up on a missing shipment.

With that business concluded and without desire to spend any further time in that harlot’s company I took my crew to a nearby drinking den to soak up some local culture and hearsay. ’Tis here me memory fails me and I awoke in me chambers covered in vomit.

-Captain Trexx

Episode II - Plagued By Fear
Fighting tooth and claw.

Cap’n’s Log #00004

Buckle yer seats and prepare ye eyes for this daring episode of The Adventures of Captain Trexx. Following up on a task set by our fair incompetent patron Bighead Lady, we were on course fer a space station to find a missin’ shipment. Our second directive involved investigating the missing crew that went before us.

Upon arrival I immediately suspected the crew of the most foul devilry and was rude with the uppity flight control personnel. We were ambushed aboard a movin’ box and my quick thinking that was definitely mine and not Blackouts no matter what he tries tellin’ yer okay? meant we shot the knockout gas with our blasters and kept walkin’ and talkin’.

I raided the station’s brig, single-handedly subduing all 20 guards and rescuing a lady doctor and some bloke whose name I don’t remember. Was here I saw me first of the Rak’ghouls, those fearsome creatures of legend. I recognised them straight away, and warned me crew to keep their distance. At that exact moment, a tide of the damned things dropped from the ceiling, swarming over us. In a whirlwind of teeth, claws, blaster bolts and blades we fought our way through to the medical facility of the station in search of records on what was being done and to locate a remedy to the rak’ghoul disease.

Our helmsman and surgeon were given boosters, improving their resistance to the disease they would later become infected with. Before locating the missing shipment, we encountered King Rak’ghoul. This rak’ghoul had magic powers and wielded an enormous energy weapon. I gallantly waded through the sea of his minions before facing King Rak’ghoul one on one in a battle of the ages. I sustained many a wound in the encounter but being invincible I was able to see King Rak’ghoul lay dead long before I fell. I took me wounded party below decks to find the missing shipment, and ill fortunate befell us. The shipment had been aboard, but was moved to a warehouse on Falleen shortly before our arrival.

Flashback I - A-pizza the Hutt
of Spoons and Shits
Episode III - Falleen From Grace

Cap’n’s Log #00004 (continued)

We plotted a course for Falleen, our primary concern was the recovery of the shipment: no shipment, no payment. We left Dr. Hanay and that other bloke somewhere and went on the hunt for information. A few bar fights and a shootout with imperial stormtroopers later we had the location of the shipment and information of an impending assault from an anti-imperial “terrorist” group. We planned our raid on the warehouse to coincide with the assault.

The warehouse raid hit complications when our old blue friend, Curt Lington’s associate made his arrival and a shootout broke out in which our surgeon used a loading crane as a weapon, there were explosions, lasers and a man on fire. Ye should have been there it was one of the all time great warehouse shootouts. So after Blackout satisfied his lust for blood and sated his murder-boner, we walkout out all normal like and went to see how the rak’ghoul cure was going.

Episode IV - More Machines Than Men
Doctors and Corpses

Cap’n’s Log #00004 (continued further)

It was apparent that the only way we had to develop a cure was to break into a fancy medical facility and ‘borrow’ the use of their lab equipment. Our plan required an extra gun, as our helmsman had gone walkabouts on his own and wouldn’t be joining us for the job. We found a man for the job, and went to get his attention. We found him in a cantina, talked him into joining and after I gave him a quick job interview to assess his suitability for the job in which he shot me in the bollocks we were good to go.

Flying alongside the building, we shot a line into the side of the building, and as planned I heroically flung myself through the storage room window. We secured the immediate area and gathered suitable disguises: Blackout and Endris found security uniforms, Betty and Dr. Hanay found doctor suitable doctor attire, and in a feat of skulduggery unmatched by even the most professional infiltrators, I managed to disguise myself as an invalid. The disguises held and we began work on the cure, unfortunately things became complicated when my ship was discovered floating outside their QA office window and we were investigated by a group of security guards. After a quick and decisive battle in which I nobly took three hostages, we escaped through a window, intending to immediately head out into space and return to our employer.

Episode V - When Life Gives You Blocks
Make a Blockade

Cap’n’s Log #00004 (continued to the point of absurdity)

An imperial blockade met us up in space. After a cunning show of diplomacy and misdirection from myself they scrambled tie fighter squadrons to engage us and opened fire with their turbolasers. We made some fancy manoeuvres and some spot-on gunnery thanks to my legendary leadership and co-piloting skills but the tie fighters were gaining on us. Not to be deterred I sent them a clever message, daring them to bring it on just as a turbolaser made contact and took out our weaponry.

Undefended but unbeaten we pressed on, a lone tie fighter approached, flown by our undercover helmsman Zhiran Xanthur. He provided covering fire allowing us all to make our escape. This bought me precious time to finally write up me adventures in me log as I plot a course for the cantina, a double sarlacc awaits…

Curtain to Fall?!
Cap'n's Log 00005

After the necessary R&RonRoon and a number of street fights we went to see our big-headed idiot contact to see what they had for us.

At last! A lead on the whereabouts of that damnable Curt Lington! Me crew wasted no time and pushed a path through the hordes of my clammering, delightful fans to The Latest Trick and plotted a course to THAT PLANET I DEFINITELY REMEMBER THE NAME OF.

The hyperspace journey was one of sombre excitement. As I was getting a read on our new gunslinging pilot human it was clear to me the rest of me crew was almost as bloodthirsty as I the real Captain Trexx. We were unsure of what to expect but ready for a similar encounter with one of those magic types that defended the mask, the object that started us down this path of bloody vengeance.

When we finally landed, we found a campsite, still ablaze from a shoot-out between that poxy Curt’s mercs and some strange new sorts dressed like members of a hot new cult. Spotting our target, the entrance to some forgotten temple I hatched a battleplan of such ingenuity and tactical acumen it would make the greatest generals from history look like imbeciles.

We walked up to the entrance shouting ‘Rancor’ then shot and slashed a way past the guards.

After a scuffle with some suicidal grenade toting fanatics me crew had our R2 unit seal the door and remain by it in plain view and completely defenceless which in hindsight wasn’t their best idea but if I didn’t let them make decisions it would be poor for morale. The life of a Captain is a tricky one.

The navigator jumped down a dark hole and then went all pale like he’d seen something terrible or skipped breakfast. We all pushed on through the caves, found some shineys, debated the ethics of killing the people who are here shooting at us with our new gunslinger and then I killed a giant 20ft venomous monster and her screeching horde of deadly children with my bare hands. Ordinary stuff so far.

Having explored the caverns and found some useful stuff, we happened across a large room that was less caverny and like the first room we entered this place through. This was when I saw him, that filthy Lington stood across a long bridge which we’d have to cross to reach him, were it not for his army of five hundred men and the defensible bridge above a seemingly infinite drop he’d have been dead that second.

I gave the order to charge and we blasted our way across the bridge. His men were useless before the might of Captain Trexx and many threw down their weapons at the sight of me. Having survived his best efforts to kill me I engaged him in honourable combat. Realising he was no match for me he retreated into a room full of masked men throwing themselves into a giant ball of light to summon an ancient jedi ghost of unimaginable power. I thought this could be a problem.

Lington was dying from the wounds I had inflicted upon his stupid body, he hid inside the lightball himself and despite me crews best effort to disrupt this ritual a giant jedi ghost was summoned and turns its evil powers on the heroic, courageous, good-looking, influencial and mighty Captain Trexx.

I weathered the magical attack and while I was of course unharmed I soon recognised this enemy had the potential to cause real harm to me crew. While the crew nervously looked to me for a plan and to find courage, I rushed the unnatural foe, cunningly attacking the weakest point: the testicles.

My cunning attack was too much for the ghost and it begged for mercy. I gave it no such thing, evil jedi ghosts will receive no quarter when they face Captain Trexx in battle.

Having defeated the ghost, used explosives on the lightball and thoroughly ruining Curt Lington’s plans I approached his dying form and fulfilled my promise, tearing his heart out with my hand! I then emptied my bladder into the tomb of this ghost thing, took the remaining masks and made to leave.

Alas our droid was missing, taken by our hooded foe. We found a recording showing the theft of our droid which gave us the name of our new enemy: The Genesis Archive.

Before we could give this slight the attention it deserved we had a more pressing concern, a distress message from Roon informed us we were under attack. Captain Trexx was needed back home.

Captain Trexx Saves the Children
Cap'n's Log 00006 (In which Captain Trexx saves the children)

With no time to waste we plot a course for Roon making only one quick stop to bury our treasure on a planet that rhymes with halitosis.

What kind of coward would attack our home, endangering the lives of the children living there? This Genesis Archive would feel the full wrath of Captain Trexx.

Were it not for the two week hyperspace journey we would have held the planet. By the time we arrived, the fighting was over and an enemy vessel was leaving atmosphere. The Latest Trick proved more than a match for this vessel and we landed soon after scuttling it.

The place was hard to look at, harder still was seeing the empty port office where Jeb should have been sitting. The crew went straight to our base of operations to assess the nature of the attack, I left them to it and went to save the children.

I found the children hiding in their favourite hide and seek spot where I rescued them from a marauding horde of evil looters trying to kill them. One child Kreev my number one fan was missing, I found a trustworthy survivor in their house and left the children with them before regrouping with the crew, looking out for the children the whole time.

As a team we finished our sweep of the area, gathering survivors up by Chok’n’Dix’s scrap shop, here is where I found Kreev who had been separated from the others. Cornered by two archivists, the only way he could survive was to use the skills he had absorbed through proximity to his hero Captain Trexx and kill the two of them, a tragic but unquestionably brave thing for a child to have to do.

The scrap yard is also where we found Jeb, or rather the body of Jeb who died defending the children of Roon by manning the anti-ship weapon we have since bolted onto the Latest Trick; his sacrifice will be remembered.

Having saved the children in the town and gathered the remaining survivors we allowed them access to the trick where we waited for any survivors in the surrounding jungle. Having waited an appropriate amont of time we took the refugees to Rodia so that they may find a more peaceful home.

As we touch down in Equatreek, I can only hope the governor here is willing to accept refugees and won’t try and exploit our situation by having us do his dirty work.

While I regret the destruction of our base I hope someday to rebuild it and while the deaths of those who died defending it was a tragic waste, at least Captain Trexx saved the children.


I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.